What is it with tights?

I've tried regulars and longs, ones that fit me (according to the package), ones that are techincally too small and too large, opaque and sheer, various colors. Everything except wool (which I think would be torture) and cable-knit (which I can't find).

None of them have truly worked so far. All I'm looking for is a pair of tights that:
1) Doesn't squeeze me so tightly around the waist that I end up looking like a balloon animal.
--I mean, yeah, I've got fat, I don't want to advertise it!
2) Doesn't roll down at the waist
-- There's nothing more alluring than watching a nicely dressed woman trying to pull up her stockings through her dress
3) Doesn't sag at the ankle
--Someday, if I am lucky to live so long, my ankles may sag on their own. No need to hasten the process, huh?
4) Has a crotch that goes all the way up to where it's supposed to be
--I don't even know what to say about this. AND--it's not just that the hose aren't long enough, because more often than not, the same pair that leaves the crotch dangling also has me tucking the waist band under my bra. So attractive.


My question is why-y can't tights be made in dress sizes? Or maybe 0-4, 6-10, 12-16. At least then one could have a reasonable assumption that they would fit.

Alas, I think I know the answer and I don't like it. Our mothers and grandmothers also knew the answer.


This is why God made girdles.