All right, I'm admitting it.

I have a hard time finding a bathing suit that fits well.

Shut up--you too? no kidding..............

So, I'm constantly on the quest for a suit that is roomier (and has underwires) in some places and is not equally roomy in others.

Oh, and that isn't see through. And that can stand actual swimming, but, too, doesn't look like tent material. And isn't halter. And doesn't involve tying anything. But maybe is a 2-piece, because they really are the most comfortable. Oh, but then I'd have to do more situps than I'm currently doing (like, say, 1 situp), so maybe a tankini? But then not the kind that has bottoms that barely cover the daily news. And not the bottoms that pull up so high that you could tuck the waist up under your bra, either.

Which bring me back to my initial problem. So, one day, when sorting through the vast number of catalogs that arrive at my house on a daily basis, I happened upon an Eddie Bauer catalog with swimsuits in it.

I casually perused the suit section--because I expected to find the usual offerings of bikinis with tops comprised of 2 Kraft Singles and a few Red Vines.

...gasp..what is that?

Swimsuits in bra sizes? What? I mean, Victoria's Secret does that, but then the rest of the suit is usually missing. It's crazy. I'm ordering one.

EB calls these suits Miraclesuits. Apparently that means they have extra spandex to suck in one's fat. I'm all for sucking in fat, however, my fat (which I keep in secret locations) laughs at spandex. Mine is in for the long haul--unless they've got spandex made from whalebone, I'm not buying it. My fat is a green-belt.

However, they're bra-size suits and I must forge ahead. So, although I do not need the extreme suck (more on that later) of the Miraclesuit, my mom orders me a fauxkini in my size in periwinkle and black, for my birthday. A fauxkini, for those who buy their Kraft Singles suits at Old Navy, looks like a tankini, but is really a one piece suit.

On 6/27, SuperSuit arrives. It's pretty as it sits there in the box, so I pick it up. It felt, hmmm, kind of like a cross between a stack of plastic garbage bags (where it's heavy and the layers slide all over the place) and one of those Johnny Jump Up baby bouncers (where it kind of springs back up when pulled down).

So I run upstairs to try it on.

5:16 pm--> I'm trying on my suit
5:22 pm--> Whew, it's hot in here
5:31pm--> ...must...pull...suit...up
5:32pm--> WHOA--mustn't put fingernails through SuperSuit while attempting to winch it on to body

Finally got it on...gasp...they're right...gasp...my fat is...whew...definitely...less...noticeable. What is more noticeable, however, is the blue tone of my...skin.

The underwire part is FAB! I love it! I've never been so happy with the front of a bathing suit in my life! Alas, if even 1 stitch comes loose, somebody's getting hurt. So, maybe with the SuperSuit material one has to order a bigger size.

Hey, I'm not proud.